Do You Love Me?

DoyoulovemeOils on Canvas
October, 2004
12”x16”

As Tom and I open increasingly to our deeper selves it becomes ever safer to ask the biggest question of all.

Journal 2/28/04: When I ask about the roots of my food digestion symptoms, Ed Gibbs, my naturopathic/Chinese medicine/chiropractor always ends up with a conclusive and knowing look at the heart. I vaguely think of Tom and all the years of his gentle love for me. How I’ve had to take it on faith for 32 years. Indeed, how I had to take (was trained to take) my father’s incoherent love on faith as well. Interpreting my father’s pats and gestures. Not taking to heart the lack of presents or usual outward symbols.

Not take to heart.

For of course, I have taken it to heart. Some deep part of me wants that affirmation. In words, please. Looking into my eyes. With silly gestures like flowers now and then. Or a sweet note at an odd moment. Oh well. Dream on, sweet Lane. “You are loved,” says my steady internal compass…as a tear slips out of my left eye….

So when I ask about the heart connection to my stomach troubles and what I can do about it, Ed says (looking into my eyes: “Love more.” Inside, I sputter, “But, but, I do and more than most. I always love the bad little boys at FMS and Cart’m that no one else loves and I forgive my enemies and even George Bush.“ But my soul self says, “Listen up here!” And I do listen for the next thing he says is, “Love – it’s what we’re here for. Love, and don’t expect love in return.” He’s got me there I guess. For it’s the return I long for. Demand?

I think about it all the way home and in yoga later, as Lorraine Ortiz launches in synch as usual into a whole evening about heart… So I breathe into my heart. And send love out around me into the room. And then I notice how that is done with my head – my thinking self. And so I practice just being with the heart, front and back, breathing with Lorraine’s cues. What does it feel like to let it do the loving?? What is the distinction between sending loving thoughts and being really in touch with what that place in my chest knows how to do it – both the organ and the chakra. Do I really have any clue what that feels like?

From: <JamesTwymanAdmin@BelovedCommunity.org>
Date: Fri Feb 27, 2004
Subject: Daily Spiritual Peacemaking Lesson – Day 227
A Spiritual Peacemaker looks past what is not real to what is. Since only Love is real, you are asked to see everything as either an act of love or a call for love. Give only love, no matter what the conditions might seem to be, and it will be the only thing you perceive. The world will adjust according to your Vision.